Dealing with Emotionally Needy People

Have you ever been emotionally needy or encountered an emotionally needy person? Well, i have been on both sides and as I invested in my journey of self development, I learnt that dealing with emotionally needy people can be toxic. Let us talk more about this…. P.S it is okay to be emotionally needy but not over a long time with the same issue.

What does being emotionally needy mean? It is the excessive need for emotional support when one is going through a challenging phase in life. The party from whom you are seeking help, ends up carrying too much baggage on your behalf as they strive to help you.

There are two incidences in how this plays out: One, they will open up or complain about what they are going through and you will help them come up with a way forward. In relief, they’ll be grateful and promise to do something about it before you meet again but no progress will be made.

Option number two, they will open up or complain about the issue. As a friend or loved one, you will offer a solution but they will not approve it. You will likely encounter excuses such as, ‘ you don’t understand how difficult it is’. Yet, they’ll display the repetitive complaining behavior over and over with incidences of extreme entitlement to your availability.

How is this toxic? You are just a helper but you will constantly worry if they are okay. Secondly, it is super draining, mentally and emotionally to help someone who does not acknowledge your help but they are entitled to your availability.

You will end up entertaining this toxic habit for as long as your emotional bandwidth can allow. And only if you are courageous enough, will you call them out on this behavior and rid yourself from being dragged round the toxic circle.

They will not take it politely but eventually will view it as a wake up call to walk down the road they have been dreading. So, eventually you will help them heal and get rid of the toxic projection on you.

Law 10/48: Infection. Avoid the unhappy and unlucky. (You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but really precipitating your own disaster.) Love and Light, Nelly.

How People Easily Bring Your Guard Down

It is a becoming nature for most people to use manipulation to get things done their way. While some use it for good intentions others will easily let your guard down and leave you struggling emotionally. I have been a victim.

The first time I learnt about selective honesty and generosity was through my mentor. It is the most powerful deception move that is meant to disarm a victim. It is listed as law 12 in the 48 laws of power. My primary objective with today’s piece is to help you reflect and identify the toxic people in your life that have used selective honesty and generosity to distract you from their toxic traits that will eventually leave you empty. You can also use this tactic to make money moves.

So how does it really work? Selective honesty focuses on one sincere move to cover up several dishonest ones. In our life setting, it can be explained as-one character is telling a story but omits certain details that would make them look bad. But there is some truth in the story.

The idea is to create a good first impression to establish a trustworthy relationship such that it will be difficult to doubt them. You end up letting your guard down making it easy for them to lie to you over and over.

Selective generosity was based on an ancient China principle on ‘Key to Power’. It is termed as the give before the take. A hilarious example is, a kid on the wrong will often be quick to tell on her friends first,omitting the fact that she was part of it too.

Anyway, moving to a sensible explanation is what politicians do. They will identify the lacking area of the society and promise us to make changes. They will deliver partially and end up making personal money moves that do not benefit us.

Selective generosity could be in the form of a gift, generous act, favor or an honest admission to acquire your trust.

In a business setting, you can use this concept to acquire the trust of potential partners making great deals. In the social setting, most people that have identified this trait among their friends will term it as a ‘snake move.’ Meaning you will be bitten easily by the ‘snakes’, if you don’t pay attention.

A single act of honesty or generosity is never enough. It is a series of selective good acts to create a good reputation giving the perfect opportunity for them to take unnoticed.

I hope this piece was informative and that you enjoyed reading it. Love and light. Nelly.

Mastering the Inner World of your Mind and the Energy you Create

As I sit down to write to you, there are so many things I want done. It is a process and sometimes I can’t really help but wonder if i’ll get it done because we all know this adulting life. One day we are outdoing ourselves and the next, it is a mess.

Truth is, these mental battles can be mentally and emotionally draining. Some days it is so bad that we project our frustrations and fears to the people around us.

I recently learnt that our bandwidth varies in given situations. People will be quick to recommend several approaches to improve your situation but at the end of the day, it is how well you have mastered the inner world of your mind and the energy you create.

Mastering the inner world of your mind is a continuous self-honesty process. You need to identify your strengths and weaknesses. You also need to know how to choose your mental battles.

I don’t know much about you but if I give my attention to an issue that is never changing, it gets to a point where I just block it out of my mind every-time it resurfaces. It’s my coping mechanism. That way, I can focus my energy on other productive areas.

The trick is knowing what you have control over and just going with the flow. As you learn what you have control over, you know what you want and what works for you. You emit energy frequencies based on what you focus on.

Worrying will only bring you more issues to worry about. Focusing on abundance will bring you more things to be grateful for and the energy process creation goes on and on.

Remember to go easy on yourself. Mastering your mental bandwidth takes time and it is okay to have a few bad days. we are human.

Energy comes around. Thanks for reading. Love, Nelly.

Said Things That Stick With Us; For Better or Worse

Life is words and words are life. How so?

Today, on my way to work, I watched one of Patricia Kihoro’s YouTube episodes, ‘My Art Broke My Heart’. And as she narrated her music journey she mentioned one instance where she was recording at a studio. The producer said to her that she had what it took but her voice needed a few touch ups to make it perfect. Well, here is the thing, she believed in herself and her music and for this particular reason she didn’t quite understand what this guy was talking about. She continued singing and getting gigs but at the back of her mind, that one statement had filled her with doubt.

As I watched her narrate her story, I couldn’t help but think of the many said things that we have to constantly battle with to get through a day, week, month or years. For the longest time, I held on to things that were said of how I’d turn out like.  

‘Grow some thick skin they said.’ And so some days even when you don’t feel like it, you let the words slide. other days, you have to let your soul bleed it out. Both options are quite okay.

But really, it gets easier when you learn that you can’t control what people say about your journey. Things will always be said. Some days you will be able to filter them out and get past it.  Some days will be intense especially if you fail to achieve a given task. The doubts approving what was said about you will creep in….worry not, you will be fine.

I also listened to LL Cool J on Oprah’s Master Podcast and really when it is all said and done, you’ve got to rise beyond what is happening around you. That which most people are so certain will be your downfall. You will need to sit down, have a conversation with yourself and choose whether the said things were for better or worse.

I hope you choose to show for yourself for the better.

Love and Light, Nelly.

You Are Deserving of Every Elevation

Michelle Obama mentioned in her book that learning is magical, and this is true. There is beauty in sitting at a table and contributing to great conversations.

My biggest struggle has been to open up to the world, starting conversations with strangers….reasonable conversations. Generally interacting. I’ve grown to love my solitude over the years.

Today, I want us to talk about accepting our elevation process as taught by Michelle. By elevation I mean, overall growth. Michelle is an incredible woman who has taught us that it is okay for a woman to want it all. It is okay to elevate your life.

Her book ‘Becoming Michelle Obama’ is a captivating read. There is a part where she takes us through her piano lessons with her stun aunt, Robin who live downstairs. Michelle’s urge and interests to learn piano always got her into trouble with her aunt Robin who preferred a systematic way of learning.

So Robin’s piano was not in a good state but Michelle still excelled. She probably needed to get a new one. Robin decided that it was time for the kids to perform after the many classes. A live performance in a grand hall in a nearby prestigious university.

To cut the long story short, the piano at the grand performance was perfect, no dents at all like Robin’s. Despite the confidence Michelle had as she walked towards the stage, the perfection before her made her freeze. For a minute she forgot even to locate the center key which was her starting point.

But thank God for Robin who was quick to show her where to start. The grown Michelle perceives it as the extreme disparities of life. She was not used to a flawless set up. Everything in her life had a few flaws which she had learnt to magnificently conquer.

I resonated with the chapter because there are so many times that i have been scared of new beginnings because they felt so perfect.

I have also missed out on opportunities because I got comfortable with a life full of imperfections that when someone hands me over a better option, I feel like I don’t deserve it yet.

And really, we are deserving of all our first experiences, a new job, healthy connections, a new life….. You’re deserving of every elevation. And if it doesn’t workout,well its still a treat. At least you won’t regret not taking the opportunity.

Cheers, with love, Nelly.

You are very deserving, don’t settle for less.

THE STRANGER

Hi guys, Happy new month. A lot has been happening, less hours for me but I finally made it to write to you guys. Enjoy this short read before I get my house in order and to be quite honest I’ve been hesitant to post it for a week because i felt like i didn’t take as much time to research as i do with the other pieces….. and I hope this month will be kind to you as it has been to me so far.

Late last year, I hosted a close friend at my place for a few days. At the time, she was working out of town and would often visit when she could. She had not seen most of her friends in a while and she was considering hosting a few of them at my place.

Anyone who knows me well, understands that I’m protective of my space. Only a few friends and family get to share the space with me. ….and ummh, I also shut them out kidogo to when I need my solitude.

She was hesitant about it. I approved though, and we made the visitors some dinner and got drinks. Her friends were pleasant but knowing myself well, making new friends is not my stronghold. I warmed up to them and I’m grateful.

Over the years, I have come to love the beauty of not understanding the relevance of some of the connections we make with strangers at that very time. But as the connections grow and life unfolds, the relevance of it all makes sense. I believe that everyone you met a few years ago or now will play a role in your journey. Opportunities, lessons, mistakes and so on…..

Some days we are 50 ft deep and all it takes for God/ the universe to show up for you is sending a stranger your way. Someone to hold your hand in a journey that you intended to start but didn’t know how.

….I’ve had strangers who’ve become friends. I’ve had friends with whom we didn’t start off well. They turned out to be everything I needed to be where I am today. Our uncomfortable beginning turned out great.

Anyways, one of the strangers who is not a stranger anymore is the reason that I’m exploring a new and beautiful horizon today. I love the transition.

Today’s article is to appreciate everyone who has been kind enough to a stranger. Everyone who chooses to see the beauty in our ugly. Everyone who chooses to see the potential in us even when we think so little of ourselves. Everyone who hosts strangers over for dinner hahaha… but to be honest, i’d still be stuck if I didn’t choose to make that dinner. Be a kind stranger today please.

Thanks for reading, with love Nelly.

Sometimes strangers cross our paths to remind us that we still have what it takes to show up and be the best versions of ourselves.

HERD MENTALITY

When we were growing up, our parents would be delighted when they saw us interact with kids. It was fun watching us create connections. Only a few parents emphasized on having an independent mind back then.

 I remember breaking for mid and end-term holidays and my dad would let me run his business under his guidance. But, he did not always give obvious guidance. I’d run to him asking how to handle a nuisance customer or manage the expenses when the cash was not enough. Some days I’d get a comforting answer and others he’d ask, ‘what do you think is right to do as a business student who is currently managing my business?’

 He’d chuckle at my confusion. Feeling frustrated I’d contemplate what to answer. When he noticed I’m stuck he’d say something to ease the tension. Eventually, I learnt to air my independent thoughts and solutions to problems. He wanted to see an independent mind that wasn’t so dependent on what other people thought or did.

On to college now. So somewhere along the way we make friends and connections that become the centre of our decisions. We tend to go with what everyone is doing forgetting that we are limiting ourselves. It becomes challenging when you are the misfit but really you’re the magic. So you slowly conform to the basic herd mentality.

For some reason, I still think that College life is the epitome of the herd mentality. You are lucky enough if it does not follow you afterwards. This madness is evident from what we choose to wear, social status, body appearance, tagging along to dates that you’re not invited hahaha, career decisions and so much more.

You are lucky if you manage to be in a clique that is future-oriented because they’ll emphasize on the need to start a ‘chama’ or something substantial. They’ll advice you to take an extra minor course to boost your career. But for most us, it was a mess really until after graduation. Which is okay. We lived, had fun and laughed. No regrets.

However, the truth about adulting, is that it never gives a heads up. You start realizing that the one person you thought was too serious a book warmer, has gotten a permanent job from the internship program that y’all thought was not so necessary to attend.

One minute, you are club hopping with friends every weekend (which is totally okay sometimes), next they are choosing to stay in with their boyfriends, a baby comes, starting up businesses, long working hours and there’s an involuntary drift that slaps you back to reality.

 And the aha moment happens; realization that the herd mentality is a prick. So you slowly start putting your house in order. Hahahaha worry not, there is a whole lot of us and we shall turn out fine. Mistakes exist for us to learn. I still have mad fun to forget my adulting crisis, if that makes you feel betterJ

Then comes the need for constant approval. Sometimes we for sure know that we don’t want anything to do with it but we still want to seek others’ opinions. Did I tell you of a job opportunity that I recently got and I knew so well it was underpaying with over 15 hours on the job? I knew for sure, I was cut out for something better. I knew there would be a few people that will think declining the job was a wrong.

 I knew what I wanted but I still felt the need to call the ‘whole clan’ to ask for their thoughts on the matter. Some thought I should take it while others advised against it. I chose the latter after a whole night of deliberation. But for some reason, I felt like the calls were my need for consolation that it was okay not to take the job.

Finally, not to forget the pressure from Social Media and the society. So much expectations but remember to own your truth, be yourself and rise above it.

But really, if you achieve self-honesty, you will reflect on the many herd mentality ideas that you’ve lived with over the years. You will learn that it is okay to want what everyone else doesn’t prefer. You will learn that a break from the herd mentality will help you achieve the highest form of yourself. You will learn that nobody needs to approve your path given that you know what you want. You will learn that breaking away from it doesn’t mean that you value your friends any less. It only means that you chose what serves your journey. And if they are genuine friends, they’ll accommodate the change.

To be honest, I love my friends more now that I have learnt their independent side. They are brave enough to call me out on my bad behavior. They will easily decline a night out because they have other priorities. We indulge in both playful and meaningful conversation. It has been a beautiful journey and I’m grateful for the growth that we’ve had and which is yet to come.

Nothing beats the feeling of looking back and seeing that you have outgrown the herd mentality.

Thank you for reading guys. Love and love. Nelly.

A Few Truths About the Fro Girl You See Around Your Block

Hi guys, I hope the week was kind to you and if not, I hope you rose above it.

So I decided to switch it up a little in here and today we are talking about that fro girl you have been seeing around your block, in town, malls, clubs….. Name it.

As a fro girl, I have come across beautiful naturals that made me want to transition from my relaxed hair. It has been quite a journey and I thought I’d share a few things that a new natural girl or everyone around her would want to know:

• Some people will be kind enough to hold your hand through the journey and others will not. It is okay.

When I started my fro journey, I was ready to give up in week two. The number of DMs I wrote to chics who had bomb afros, asking what products they use, only to be blue ticked. I was beyond frustrated. So every time I’d hang out with my girls they’d bring a few downloaded YouTube tutorials to help me learn and keep me going. Thank you my loves and bless the heavens for YouTube tutorials.

• Your hair will be a starting point for most of your conversations

Trust me; you will get so good at it that your hair will be a starting point for most of your conversations with strangers. Hahaha.  Considering I’m not a social person, my fro has made it easy for me to blend in with people. Because I’m comfortable to talk about it so confidently, so with no time we are laughing and sharing about other topics.

• The first styling will be messy

Youtubers hosting tutorials have probably perfected their art by the time you are watching it. So your first twist outs will not always be as perfect as the Youtubers’. Go easy on yourself; Baby steps.

• YouTube tutorials

First, I think they’ve made it is easier for us from boiling eggs to a furniture D-I-Y. There is a lot of information available online.  I always say, watch as much as you can, ranging from local to international Youtubers. Acquire all the creative ideas but remember to find what resonates with your journey.

Don’t be trying props of 3’as hair when you’re a 4c type. You will not get the expected results and it will be frustrating. Also try the Kenyan hair Youtubers such as Sheila ndinda and nywele chronicles to know the products you can access with ease.

• Products to use

When a baby is born, the new mom will get a lot of advice on what is right and wrong during the journey. The advice can be overwhelming. This also applies to natural hair products. During my first year, I dealt with the struggle of not knowing which hair products are right and not being in a state to afford all the products that had been recommended at a go.

So I decided to use protective styles until I had a collection of the products that I thought would work. Every time I had some cash to spare I’d buy one product. Until, I got everything. To be honest some of the products didn’t work, others did.

So be patient when discovering the right products with your hair, don’t break the bank. Start with a simple bottle of water mixed with leave-in, coconut oil and gel. Hair language is proper treatment; it will work out eventually.

• Get ready for people wanting to touch your hair all the time

Well, you wanted to perfect the art of curls and you got it right! So now you have to deal with every “I love you hair, the curls, can I touch it?”  Is it annoying? YES. Hahaha okay, I love it when people compliment my hair but sometimes it took me two hours to do the twists last night, one hour to undo them and style in the morning. I intend for these curls to last me three days at least so I can’t have everyone touching it, sorry.

• Dear boyfriends

If you are in it for long then please don’t expect us to be cute and sexy while at home. I will probably be walking around with uneven Bantu knots and a headscarf most of the time. You will have to help a little when I’m unable to do a proper knot at the back or with my scarf…hahaha

But once I undo the twist out, you’ll get that sexy, natural and exotic retro vibe from your chic. So be patient hahhahaha. To have a man that stands all these though is a blessing because heh, I beg!

•  Your hair routine energy  moves from a 100 to 0 real quick

Most people will not tell you this but it’s true. As a beginner, you do not want to skip your hair routine especially during wash days. But hunnie, this adulating is so intense especially when your fro has flourished. Sometimes you will be lazy for that wash day. Some days you’ll prefer to do a head wrap the next day because you were too lazy to do the Bantu knots before bed. And it’s okay.

• There will always be that one friend who thinks your hair routine is extra

I have a few friends who straight up told me that I’m too extra for not exposing my hair to intense heat, for the money I spend on the products ….some days you will have to laugh it off and others, you will wear your big girl pants and just tell them off. Because ummh, when they are spending a lot much on deo, perfume, wigs, weaves…nobody tells them they are extra. We are just out here trying to give ourselves self care and love in the best way we know how. 

• shrinkage is real
• Despite the love you have for your fro, you will always be fascinated by other naturals. But your fro is still bomb.

Thanks for reading guys, cheers.

Note: Your hair will turn out how best it knows how. Don’t stress over wanting your hair to look a certain way or like someone else’s.

Why you should show up as often as you can this year.

Why You Should Show Up As Often As You Can This Year

As a writer, I realized that every piece that I sit down to create is motivated by what happens around me. See, for the few years I have created content, I learnt that when you think too much about what your audience wants, it only limits your creativity. And for this reason, it took me a while to know what I wanted to voice.

In the dating scene, we are always swift to say, “Let’s go with the flow and see what will become of it.” Hahaha this is pretty much common when you are still learning your partner or you probably don’t want to commit yet.

Anyways, so I decided to go with the flow….

I decided to feed my mind….

I decided to pay attention to discussions that I’d previously brush off… turns out there is so much to learn. And for this particular reason, I sit down to write to you about why you should show up as often as you can this year.

See, as a first born, I was raised in a strict setting. I think for some reason parents are tougher on firstborns compared to other siblings. Probably because they want us to become good role models to them or maybe they wanted their first parenthood experience to be that of perfection…. I’m yet to learn why….

Anyways, as a first born, people expect so much from you. So, we grow not wanting to disappoint the people around us. Sometimes, it is overwhelming but you have no option but to show up… parents are looking up to you to probably make their life a lit bit easier and siblings have the mentality that you are emotionally strong and a well that never runs out of money hahahaha….

So anyways, I graduated, and more than anything I wanted to give back to my parents in every possible way….not to forget that our African parents (most of them), for some reason believe that a graduate should be set for job hunting….work in an office….. So, uummh….my personal hustles didn’t count as a job…and I wasn’t sure if was an office person…but as a first born I was expected to show up and nothing less.

So I started applying for jobs, showing up for interviews….. Waiting forever for feedback …. And it just got to a point I said it is enough…let us go with the flow….

I created content and got to work with all types of clientele ranging from students, SEO digital marketers to international book publishers. But that was still not enough, I’d run into friends and relatives who would ask, ‘you’re still doing the writing thing; you haven’t got a job yet?’ and I’d patiently reply, ‘not yet.’

But really, was I sleeping hungry? No. Did I afford to pay for my rent? Yes. I was earning, right? Yes. But for some reason my content creation job wasn’t fit to be called a job yet for the people around me. So my heart slowly gave up on content creation…

And it took a few friends to bring my mojo back. So today as I listened to one ‘Oltesh Thobias’ giving the engage talks, I realized that showing up means more than what we think of it. It is taking time to continually build your skill and testing new waters. It is with every new encounter that you develop your skill and discover something great about yourself that you never thought existed. It is nurturing your skill and believing that it will have a great impact.

So this year, I will definitely show up and I will take every new opportunity that I’m scared of because in such is where beautiful beginnings are born… and yes of course, I will still send as many job applications as I can in my field of study…..because after all, I can’t afford to let the firstborn movement down hahaha. I hope you will show up as much this year too J

NOTE:  Show up, not as an obligation, but because you want to experience the highest form of yourself. Show up because there is so much in you that is yearning to explored and discovered. Have a beautiful week guys.

Why Entitlement should be one of the toxic traits you cut off in 2019..

Hi guys, I hope you have started your year on a good note. I’m a young writer that loves to share lessons that I have picked along the way. I hope that this read will enlighten you in every possible way.

Today, I want us to discuss about entitlement. It is a topic that I’m passionate about because I have reflected it at one point in my life. Turns out it is toxic.

During the Christmas holidays, I visited my family and friends. We made made merry, had great food and some quite interesting conversations. One of the latter triggered me to write about entitlement.

It occurred to me that we experience hard times because we carry unnecessary baggage from our social connections. I’m sure we’ve all been mad at people low-key because we were simply entitled for no apparent reason.

hahaha no? I think yes. Remember that time you were angry at your friends/relatives because you felt like they simply did not want to help you out? The ignored calls, un-replied messages…… the list is endless. We even brand some of them as braggarts. I’ve been quite mad at my family and friends for such at some point…… but I saw the light guys and its liberating.

So anyways, you end up getting mad for no apparent reason. Entitlement is UNHEALTHY and TOXIC. It took me some time to realize that it is not okay to feel entitled to people’s availability, wealth, assistance. It only hurts you.

If someone is not in a position to help, let it go. Do not set standards for how people will use their financial and emotional resources to help you. They have worked so hard to get where they are, what they have…

So really, if they are not in a position to help, understand and avoid making them feel like they do not deserve their lives. They have worked hard for it and they can say no to you if they want.

Work on yourself and move on from the many Nos you got along the way. Zero entitlement will mean less baggage, better connections and a happy life for you.